Older explains his world
The world is organized around justice. Around honesty. Taking care of others. The world is just. People care about the right thing. Doing the right thing. You don’t kill animals. You don’t abandon children. You don’t sell your child to other people. You don’t abandon your family. You live to make your community a better place. You don’t rape the public.
If you have the power to fix things, the power to do justice, you have an obligation to do justice. And it doesn’t matter how hard it is. It doesn’t matter what you risk. Even if your endanger your family, your employer, your employees. You work for the greatest good.
We are all one big family. So you have to make things right. If you have some sin and shame in your history, you make that right. Whatever it takes.
Intentions — being a good person isn’t important — feeling good about yourself isn’t important. Results are important. Execution.
Actually making a difference. So — will I blackmail a corrupt judge to get the information I need? Fuck yes. Will I pay a bribe? Kidnap a Chinaman? Yes. Because what I do matters. It’s not possible for me not to do it.
I don’t care about feeling. Or making people feel good. I know what’s right. I am fine. I’m not fixing myself. I’m fixing the world. No, I don’t need to go back in time. I don’t need to find that boy — yes, my son! — that’s the past. It can’t be changed — can’t be undone. There is always and will always be: Action. Justice. Execution.
What did Jesus do? Talk about his Father and meditate with the disciples? No, he threw the moneychangers out of the temple. Cured the lepers. Turned water into wine. Broke bread with Judas.
There is no home life for me, no … I left that behind. Home was never happy. Home was hard labor and little food. I cannot sleep without work — I cannot rest until all evil is struck down. I cannot let the men above Ruef go. I cannot stop my crusade. I must fight and fight. If I’m wrong, I’ll fight the other side, the other argument.
My religion is the fight, the crusade. Crusade … the crusaders were Christian invaders. I am not on the side of invaders but I am on the side of those who will not stay home. I am on the side of those yearning for battle.
We were all so ambitious.
Schmitz and Ruef — I beat them down — but there was someone higher. Someone more unjust, someone more worthy of the Bulletin treatment.
I am so tired. I just want to set down in the apple orchard and let the dogs hunt down pheasant and feel the sun on my face and watch Cora’s tulips bloom.
But that is not powerful and I am hungry for power.